Pilot
SELLING SEATTLE
Pilot Episode
Jay Williams
13126 E. Guthrie Drive
Spokane Valley, WA 99216
509-924-9217
SELLING SEATTLE
“To Err is Human”
ACT ONE
FADE IN
INT. MASERATI SEDAN – (MOVING) – DAY
BOB MENHAM,(20’s) sits, white-knuckled as an immaculate and expensively dressed MICHAEL KENNEY (40’s) muscles his car through heavy traffic–while SHAVING with an electric razor.
MICHAEL
…suffered from a cerebral malaise and went mad, killing three chickens and a duck before he could be restrained. The lesson to us, of course, is that it is usually easier to be totally abstinent than it is to be moderately temperate. Saint Augustine.
He looks over at Bob.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
The man had to be watched like a hawk after that, as you can well imagine.
BOB
(anxious)
Are you talking to me?
MICHAEL
But we’re the only ones here, Bob.
BOB
It’s just that each time I think you’re talking to me when your really talking on your headphone, so–
MICHAEL
I don’t want to intrude but is it also possible you’ve suffered a recent concussion?
BOB
What…? No.
MICHAEL
Good, good. That is good, isn’t it? It’s possible then that you are just a bit nervous.
He turns his attention back to his driving.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
You now have my undivided attention. So how long have you considered this change?
BOB
Real estate? I’m not sure that I really have. I mean, I’ve never sold anything in my life and I’m not sure I have the confidence to–
MICHAEL
(cups headset microphone)
Bob, please, I’m addressing the gentleman on the phone here.
Bob drops his head, chagrined.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(still to Bob)
I’m grateful you could join me today, but if memory serves it was to have been Wednesday.
BOB
What…? No…
MICHAEL
Your friends call you Bobbie?
BOB
Uh, no.
MICHAEL
(Back on the phone)
I’m sorry but I could not be in less agreement.
Cups the mouthpiece again, turns to Bob.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Are you sure they don’t call you Bobbie? Because that really surprises me.
Michael fumbles with the electric razor and it drops on the floorboard. He bends over and retrieves it as…
O.S. Horns BLARE. Bob clutches the dashboard, looks at Michael anxiously.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(hands back on wheel)
I see you’re admiring my watch.
BOB
What?
MICHAEL
(on headset)
Freddy, Freddy, that’s absurd! I can’t make a living discouraging people from buying. At least that’s not the way we do it here in Seattle. But I’ve got to go– so please give my best to your lovely wife, uh…hmm…
(beat)
Yes, of course, “Janet.”
He turns to Bob.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Bulgari-Bulgari Tourbillion.
BOB
What?
Michael displays his gold watch.
MICHAEL
The finest timepiece in the world. Costs as much as a couple of Camrys. And I mean new Camrys, loaded!
More HORNS BLARE.
BOB
Please…please…just watch the—
MICHAEL
And the suit, Brioni. A “bespoke.” The finest raw silk. Custom made for me by my man in Miami.
BOB
If you would just slow–
MICHAEL
Granted, most people won’t know I’m wearing a six thousand dollar suit. Or a seventy thousand dollar watch, but my certain clients will. Pretentious foppery to you or me perhaps, but perhaps not to them.
A Car SCREECHES.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
So your first critical lesson– always temporize yourself to the given situation. Become all things to all people. Saint Paul.
Michael jerks the car violently to avoid a collision. More HORNS blare.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

And because our competition will not always seek to advance our best interests, we must always do those things that our competition would wish us most not to do.
He pats Bob on the leg.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

So I go the extra step and shave three times a day. Think my competition wants me to do that?
(smiles)
I can promise you they don’t!
He takes his hands off the wheel and slaps aftershave on his face.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

I change my attire three times a day too. My competition would also wish I not do that.
O.S. ANOTHER CAR HONKS as Michael takes back the wheel.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

For as Voltaire or someone very much like him once said–
BOB
Please, I’m begging you–
MICHAEL
No, he said–
Bob SCREAMS at impending danger–Michael wrenches his car into a hard swerve as more cars SCREECH, more horns BLARE.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Heavens, that was close wasn’t it?
(smiles reassuringly)
But don’t be troubled–the authorities seem to allow me certain dispensations for my driving habits. They must know how short my time is. Now, where were we?
BOB
I don’t know! Voltaire or chickens or temperance or some damn thing but–
MICHAEL
No, no, I believe it was abstinence. For great salespeople have only one thing in common–they seldom have sex! That’s my ace in the hole, Bobbie. Tell no one.
He SLAMS on the brakes. Tires SCREECH. Horns BLARE.

BOB

That’s the last straw! Pull over, I’m getting out!
MICHAEL
Yes, of course in proper order, but not just yet.
He looks over his shoulder and backs his car up at high speed, with resulting horns BLARING. SCREECHES to the curb.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

We’re early. We’ll just park here out of the way till the appointed time.
Bob grabs a handkerchief and wipes sweat off his face.

BOB
(muttering)

This is a mistake–I should leave.
MICHAEL
Punctuality is crucial, but it’s as important to not be early as it is to not be late. Michael glances at his watch.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
For it proves to the client how highly we prize his time and ours. We’ll leave here at the exact right moment so we can pull up to the house…
Takes a harder look at his watch.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

…just as the second hand sweeps to the exact minute.
He taps the crystal. Holds it to his ear and listens.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Uh oh.
He SLAMS the car into gear and races back into traffic.

BOB

DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!
O.S. Sounds of cars CRASHING behind them.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN
EXT. TREE LINED STREET – MOMENTS LATER
The Maserati SKIDS to a halt in front of an expensive home. The ANDERSONS–a well dressed couple–wait in the yard.

Michael and Bob get out of the car. SWEAT STAINS Bob’s new suit collar and arm pits.

MICHAEL

It is now my privilege to introduce you to the gentle hearted service of this wonderful profession.
BOB
I think I’m going to throw up.
MICHAEL
How often I’ve heard the same. It’s always best however to avoid doing it in the presence of the client.
MICHAEL
How often I’ve heard the same. It’s always best however to avoid doing it in the presence of the client.
Michael strides up to the Andersons. Bob follows.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Tim, Mary…
MR. ANDERSON
(correcting)
Stan. Susan.
MICHAEL
…I’d like you to meet my associate…Bobbie…uh…hmmm..
Struggling to recall the name.

MR. ANDERSON

You are late. Very late.
Michael still pondering.

BOB

Menham. Bob Menham.
MICHAEL
No, don’t help me. It’ll come to me in time.
MICHAEL
No, don’t help me. It’ll come to me in time.
He turns back to the Andersons.

MICHAEL

(CONT’D)
What a glorious, effulgent day!
Makes you feel good to be alive,
doesn’t it?
MR. ANDERSON
We were waiting five minutes more.
Michael puts his arm around Mr. Anderson’s shoulder.

MICHAEL

That is very satisfying for me to hear.
He guides them to the front door.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Clonager designed, Flagel built. A rare combination. Shown only to the most discerning buyers.
He unlocks the door.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

And even then only with a careful appointment. They have inside pets very dear to them. They don’t want them unduly upset. He swings the door open and a CAT sprints past them. The watch as the cat disappears down the street.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Well, now that was unfortunate.
He turns back to the doorway, and a RED PARROT flies by.

They turn and watch it disappear into the sky.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

That is a shame!
INT. EXPENSIVE HOME FOYER – CONTINUOUS
Michael motions the Andersons in.

MICHAEL

Only the finest materials. Carrera marble, Philippe Stark lighting, Venetian stucco walls. But let’s start with the kitchen and I think Mary will–
MR. ANDERSON
Susan.
MICHAEL
–see why I selected this home especially for you.
KITCHEN
Spacious with a center island.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Counters and cabinets by Balthaup, double dishwashers by Mille, refrigerator by Sub-Zero, Dornbracht fixtures. Even this water dispenser is specially engineered.
He pulls out the spray attachment and turns on the water…

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Look what it can accomplish.
…without noticing he’s SPRAYING the front of his trousers.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

And it can also–
He discovers he’s SATURATED.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

(smiles)

My, I feel a bit like a fool.
He turns to the island range.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

And this is Thermodore’s newest and the downdraft exhaust their strongest…
He reaches across and turns on the exhaust.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

…preventing any of the cooking odors from even…AAAUUUUGH!
Michael’s TIE is caught in the downdraft exhaust and pulls

his face inches from the counter.

Bob rushes, turns the exhaust knob–to no avail. He grabs

Michael from behind and pulls, but can’t free him.

CONTINUED

10

CONTINUED

Michael sweeps his hand across the counter, knocks containers
CRASHING to the floor. Pulls drawers out. Spills contents
across the floor. Finds a knife. He CUTS HIS TIE off three
inches from the knot, freeing himself.
He shakes his head to clear it.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
My that was close.
MR. ANDERSON
This has been a mistake. We should leave.
MICHAEL
Nonsense. How can you make a well informed decision having only looked at two rooms?
MR. ANDERSON
Believe me, we’ve seen enough!
The Andersons exit the kitchen.
HALLWAY
The Andersons move toward the front door. Michael follows.
Bob trails behind.
MICHAEL
At least allow me to show you the powder room. It features a wallpaper specially hand-crafted for this very room by the indigent natives of the brave little country of Botawatta.
He reaches past the Andersons and swings the powder room door open, shepherding them in. Mrs. Anderson SCREAMS.
POWDER ROOM
A SMALL MAN sits on the toilet, newspaper in hand, pants down to his ankles, eyes as big as saucers. The Andersons try to back out but are impeded by Michael standing behind them.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)

(to the small man)

Pete? What are you doing here?
PETE ATABELLA
You said Wednesday.
CONTINUED
11
CONTINUED
Mrs. Anderson GIGGLES, and Pete pulls the newspaper over his head.
MICHAEL
Pete, I’d like to take this opportunity to present to you Mr. and Mrs. Anderson–please don’t bother standing–and Stan and Susan, this is my seller, Pete Atabella.
Mr. Anderson shoulders his way out of the bathroom past
Michael, pulling his wife after him.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
And this is my associate, Bobbie,

uh…hmmm…

Bob weakly waives his hand from the hallway.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Pete, you might choose to lock the door in the future if you’re seeking privacy.
Michael backs out of the room.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Pete, you might choose to lock the door in the future if you’re seeking privacy.
Michael backs out of the room.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Open or shut, Pete?
PETE ATABELLA

(from under his newspaper)

Please just kill me.
Awkward moment.

MICHAEL

I’ll just shut it.
He closes the door.
Michael finds the Andersons and Bob in the kitchen, shellshocked.
Michael finds the Andersons and Bob in the kitchen, shellshocked.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Well, that was somewhat uncomfortable, wasn’t it? But surprisingly not that uncommon. Just yesterday I–
CONTINUED
12
CONTINUED
MR. ANDERSON
That was the last straw, we’re getting out of here! How do you make a living–your incompetent!
MICHAEL

(indignant)

Incontinent? Sir, I’ve never been incontinent!
He motions to his wet pants.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
This is water, as you well know.
BOB

(covering his face, he groans to himself)

Please this can’t continue. This has got to stop.
Mr. Anderson shakes his head in disgust. Looks around.
Mr. Anderson shakes his head in disgust. Looks around.
How’d we get back into the kitchen?

Where’s the nearest way out?

MICHAEL
Still, if you must run, might I suggest we leave through the back? It will give you the opportunity to see their splendid landscaping.
Michael opens the door and ushers them out. The Andersons exit, but Michael pauses. There is a SIGN at the door…
O.S. Deep GROWL from a giant dog.
Michael reads it–“DON’T OPEN–DANGEROUS DOG.”
O.S. Sounds of a vicious DOG ATTACK…and CURDLING SCREAMS from the Andersons.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(Yells out the door)
For the love of mercy, run! Run for your lives!
(beat)
Bad dog! Bad dog!
O.S. Sounds of a giant DOG CHARGING the door.
Michael rushes to slam the door shut…Dog hits it…Michael puts his shoulder to the door to get it closed.
CONTINUED
CONTINUED
13
CONTINUED
Mr. Anderson appears in the window–face pressed against the glass–TERROR IN HIS EYES. Then he disappears.
Michael opens the door and calls out…
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
The pool! The pool! It’s your only chance!
O.S. A “SPLASH.”
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Good! Now you, Mrs. Anderson–run for all you’re worth!
O.S. A second “SPLASH.”
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Good! Well done!
He gives them a thumbs up.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Better stay put. Wait him out!
Michael shuts the door.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Goodness, that was a bit unpleasant, wasn’t it? I would have thought she could have gotten better traction without those five inch heels…but still, all’s well that ends well. As they say.
He looks over at Bob…who is quietly WEEPING into his hands.
INT. MASERATI SEDAN – (MOVING) – LATER
Michael drives. Bob sits, spent, trashed. Collar now CURLED up from sweat.
MICHAEL
But even with those untoward moments they seemed to have formed a rather illiberal prejudice against the home much too quickly, don’t you think?
Bob stares at him.
CONTINUED
14
CONTINUED
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
And of course the huge temptation is to believe that this showing went poorly. Appearances are often deceiving. Certainly, all things considered, it could have gone worse.
Michael meets Bob’s incredulous look.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Oh, much worse. We are all of us human, Bobbie, so it is not to say mistakes may not have been made. But if you remove the humiliation and personal tragedy parts, it wasn’t that bad.
Bob looks out the window, stunned.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
It’s always possible they’ll reconsider. And if not today, maybe tomorrow. Remember, “there’s always tomorrow.” Gloria Estefan..
Bob shakes his head.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Or as a favorite philosopher once said, “del rikere go storre du re, mere omtenksom ama du vaere.”
BOB

(glares at Michael)

What does that mean?
MICHAEL
I’m not really sure. I’m not that versed in Swedish.
BOB

(closes his eyes)

I’m not going to have this conversation–I’ve gone to a safe place right now.
MICHAEL
I understand. Close your eyes, relax.
Michael SLAMS on his brakes. Tires SCREECH. Bob SCREAMS.
CONTINUED
15
CONTINUED
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
I almost missed it, where was my
head?
Michael throws his car into reverse, backs up to the curb,
turns off his engine.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Let’s go. Time for one more.
BOB
Are you insane? I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m walking back.
Michael gets out.
MICHAEL
It’s twenty miles.
BOB
It will seem like nothing.
MICHAEL
This is not the kind of a neighborhood in which you want to set out on a twenty mile stroll. Same for sitting out here alone in a rich man’s car, if you get my drift.
EXT. LOWER CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – CONTINUOUS
Bob, reluctant, gets out and follows Michael up the walk of
a modest home….as a neighbor’s DOG runs up to the adjoining
three foot chain link fence and barks a greeting.
MICHAEL
A sensitive situation here, requiring a delicate touch–
The excited Dog stands and puts its front paws on the top

of the fence.

Michael stops and reaches over, scratches the Dog behind

its ears.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
You see, a client needs to sell this rental…
CONTINUED
16
CONTINUED
The Dog in his excitement pees…The ARC hits Michael, hosing
him down from chest to socks…as Michael, oblivious,
continues petting.
BOB
Michael…
MICHAEL
…and the renters at this point are not likely to be very happy.
Michael discovers he’s saturated, jerks away from the fence,
shakes his finger at the dog.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
BAD DOG! BAD DOG! What is wrong with you?!
Michael composes himself, turns from the Dog and walks up
the steps to the house as Bob follows.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Third time a dog’s done this to me. Pretty soon I’m going to think they’re doing it out of meanness.
Michael notices Bob’s disheveled appearance. Adjusts Bob’s
tie, smooths his coat.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
We only have one chance to make a first impression, my friend… You’ll need to study on this a bit more.
Michael, SATURATED and the remaining STUB OF HIS TIE STICKING
STRAIGHT OUT, knocks on the door.
O.S. Heavy footsteps approach from the inside of the house.
BOB
I’m warning you. Don’t do anything that–
MICHAEL
Fortunately we don’t have to be the bearers of this bad news that the renters must leave. My client has already done that.
The door opens. A GIANT of a man stands, glaring.
GIANT
What do you want?
CONTINUED
17
CONTINUED
MICHAEL
I’m Michael KENNEY , here on behalf of your landlord. May we come in?
The Giant stands aside.
INT. MODEST HOME – CONTINUOUS
Michael and Bob enter.
MICHAEL
And this is my associate, Bob…
Tries to come up with a last name.
GIANT
Why are you here?
MICHAEL
To simply first determine the value of the house. Although there’s more art to that than science, as you can well imagine.
He pats the Giant encouragingly on the shoulder.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
But I promise we will make this as least intrusive as possible. Save for the lockbox, yard sign, office tour, open houses and occasional showings, you’ll hardly know we’re even about.
GIANT
What?
MICHAEL
And I should think we’ll have you comfortably on your way in under a month, if I know my market.
GIANT
Are you telling me–
MICHAEL
I’ll leave my card if you have any questions.
He drops his card on the table.
CONTINUED
18
GIANT
He drops his card on the table.
He’s selling this house? Out from under me?
MICHAEL
He didn’t mention it?
(chuckles)
Boy is my face red.
BOB
Uh oh.
GIANT
Ten years, and not to have the guts to even call…
MICHAEL
Please, if we can look at it from his perspective. The various vicissitudes of cash flow, regulations, depreciations, taxations–
GIANT
I’ll kill him! I’ll wrap my hands around that scrawny neck of his and crush his windpipe till I see the life leak out of that ugly face of his!
MICHAEL
And you, sir, should hope that someone with my sensibilities would be on your jury!
He puts his arm around the Giant’s shoulder.
He puts his arm around the Giant’s shoulder.
I suppose we shouldn’t dismiss the possibility that we’re now dealing with a madman. But I think, as gentlemen, we must get past that and get this house sold!
The Giant shrugs off Michael’s arm from around his shoulder.
GIANT
Maybe I’ll have some say on the value of this dump.
MICHAEL
I think that’s best handled by professionals, but thank you for the offer.
CONTINUED
19
CONTINUED
GIANT
We’ll see about that!
He storms out of the room.
MICHAEL

(to Bob)

I like him. An interesting man, don’t you think? Reminds me of the actor Billy Barty–though much taller of course.
O.S. CRASHING of furniture, things BREAKING.
BOB
We’ve got to get out of here!
We’ve got to get out of here!
First make a note. We’ll need to neutralize the colors, dress up the drapes, and maybe new flooring if it doesn’t go right away.
O.S. More CRASHES.
Bob rushes to the door. Struggles to get it open.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Now I wonder where the stairs are.
He looks around the room.
MICHAEL (CONT’D)
We better go.
Bob gets the door unstuck and bolts out. Michael follows,
RETRIEVING HIS CARD from the table as he leaves.
CUT TO
EXT. MODEST HOME – CONTINUOUS
Bob tries to hurry Michael down the sidewalk to the car.
BOB
Thought you were going to stay till he pulled the house down upon your ears! What could have changed your mind?
O.S. Loud CRASHING sounds from inside the house. Michael
opens his car door, turns to Bob.
CONTINUED
CONTINUED
20
CONTINUED
MICHAEL
Wrong house.
INT. MASERATI SEDAN – CONTINUOUS
Michael gets in. Bob follows. Michael turns on the
MICHAEL
It’s not even a two story. What was I thinking?
(shakes his head)
There may be a lesson here somewhere…but probably not. In my experience there seldom is.
He pulls the car away from the curb as Bob looks over his
shoulder toward the house. Bob’s EYES turn WIDE as…
CUT TO
EXT. MODEST HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
A SOFA CRASHES through the living room window, landing on

the lawn.

FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
21
ACT THREE
INT. BLACK ROSE REALTY OFFICE – LATER
Michael enters, talking on his headset, untying the stub of
his tie as he goes. Bob follows.
CINDY the RECEPTIONIST, professional, pretty, hands Michael

a tie as he passes by.

BOB

(to Cindy)

I’m just back for my briefcase.
CINDY
How’d it go?
BOB
More happened than I dare to say.
He turns, pauses when he sees the slogan under the Black
Rose Realty sign above her desk.
It reads “ERRARE HUMANUM EST”
BOB (CONT’D)

(turns to Cindy)

“To err is human?”
CINDY
I don’t know. It’s Michael’s sign.
CUT TO
MEETING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Bob enters, finds JULIAN (30’s) sitting and looking at a

big sales board mounted to the wall.

JULIAN
You the new guy?
Bob stares at him blankly.

BOB

My briefcase…
Julian points to the briefcase next to his chair. Bob slumps

into an adjoining chair.

And full price.
BOB
To who?
DEBORAH
The Andersons. That was your appointment, wasn’t it?
Bob collapses in his chair, stupefied.

BOB

It can’t be so. It must be a different Anderson. And a different Atabella. It would otherwise defy everything rational.
JULIAN
It’s one of his unexplained mysteries. He has the ability to make himself likeable and the properties he shows irresistible. Even after terrible mistakes.
MICHAEL

(turns to Bob)

You did well today. Thanks for the help.
He winks.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

(Back on the phone)

Reverse psychology? Come on, Pasquel, you give me way too much credit–I wouldn’t even know where to start. But hold again, won’t you?
CONTINUED

25

CONTINUED

He hands Bob a piece of paper.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

Will you see that our receptionist Cindy gets this? She’ll know what to do. That poor renter and his landlord–well, it’s just the normal flotsam and jetsam from a busy morning–but restorations and amendments must always be made.
He presses a button on his cell phone as he turns to leave.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

(back on the phone)

Stan, I’m back…He readily agreed, so congratulations on the home. And please give my love to Mary.
(beat)
Of course, “Susan.” Oh, and please send me the bill for the dry cleaning. And the medical, too. I insist.
(beat)
Well, thank you, that is very satisfying to hear. Professional compliments are always appreciated.
He exits the room.
BOB
How much did he just make?
DEBORAH
Sixty, maybe eighty thousand.
Bob nods.

BOB

He is a genius.
JULIAN
You still leaving?
BOB
You couldn’t pry me out of here with a crowbar.
DEBORAH
That’s what we thought.
She puts her hand on his leg. He turns and stares at her.
She meets his stare–and WINKS.
CONTINUED

26

CONTINUED

THE END